I am my own worst enemy.
I’ve lost my footing wandering through the depths of self-doubt.
In my career.. I’ve pressured myself to climb the corporate ladder in a field I chose out of necessity, not for a pursuit of passion. To support myself with what I hoped to be a stable foundation and a string of opportunities. I was a college graduate during a recession, unable to find any work. I started volunteering at a Veteran’s hospital, doing full time hours during the summertime for three months. I moved on to temp jobs with low pay and questionable management, but it granted me much needed experience. When I was hired permanently, I made it a mission to keep developing my skills and go further. I paid off my student loans by making sacrifices so I wouldn’t be burdened by debt when I moved to my own place. I wouldn’t allow myself to settle or get too comfortable at any job, especially if I wasn’t happy. And now that I have the opportunity to kick back a little at a job that doesn’t pull me in different directions and burn me out, my mind doesn’t stop.
It keeps telling me.. keep going, you need to keep going. Take your experience and degree as far as you can go.. which leads to dissatisfaction. I try to tune out other people complaining about their job sitting in the same vicinity as me. I question if I am wasting time or if we are merely products of our environment, doing what’s necessary, pushing ourselves to deal with a horrible commute on public transportation, and turning on auto-pilot mode for the sake of our livelihood. I remind myself that it’s better than having no job at all.
In my relationship.. I put these warped expectations on myself. I imagine rushing home after work with a sudden burst of energy and with a flick of a finger, dinner will be cooked, and the apartment will be spotless, I’ll have time to read, do more writing, squat, jump, and dance around until I break out in a healthy sweat, freshen up, and throw on something enticing. When my hubby is home, suddenly I’ll be swinging upside down from a sex swing magically appearing from the ceiling, stilettos kicking, confidence and seduction oozing out of my pores.
My partner doesn’t ask any of this of me, but when I’m sluggish or kind of down, I feel like a horrible person. Like I should be pushing myself to reach this standard and pull magic out of my ass to keep things exciting. I want to hide when I appear any less than “fully together’, so instead I become irritated with myself, a fireball of fury. It comes across as cold and uncaring. He asks me whats going on and I can’t shape it into words. The words that flow so easily on the screen stumble over my tongue. Waves of conflicting emotions, impossible to convey.
Friendships.. so many have drifted away over the years. Life happens. New relationships. New careers. Busy lives. Some prefer to stay in party mode, interests shift and your paths change. Suddenly the main source of interaction you have in someone’s life is sending a random text without any real substance to the conversation. I don’t Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram, or use any of the popular social media platforms. I used to make plans with people and initiate contact, but I felt like I had to chase people most of the time. Strong connections have faded. It has made me cold and detached.
I’m most social while at work and when I do have the chance to go out, I’ll try my best. I don’t seek it out anymore. Too many things going on in the city, my sanctuary is home. I am much more private. The friend I speak to the most lives in another state, but we still manage to find a way to communicate. I merely listen to others and find reading someone else’s writing allows me to relate to someone’s experiences without unraveling something buried deep.
I don’t watch the news, but I do read what I can online, the horrific events in the Philippines, around the world, and the changes going on in this country. I feel shaken, by what’s going on in my own anxious mind and my perception of everything else.
Connecting it right back to my own personal life.. over-thinking and worrying. A vicious loop of self-defeat.
This week it caught up to me, I started crying out of nowhere. The shower washed away my tears as my love held me close. This immense feeling of guilt seeping into my thoughts. I should feel contentment, yet here I am. I feel vulnerable. Drained.
Perhaps under the tough exterior I am undoubtedly sensitive. I feel too much.
I must leave my troubles for yesterday.
Weave words of self-reflection and uncover wisdom.
Step out of my head.
Wrap myself around zen.