Recollection

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I’ve been reading back through an old journal I kept for about three years starting when I was 17. It feels gut wrenching how much detail I described. I can see everything clearly in my head. And I hear my inner voice freaking out for the girl on the screen. But I remind myself “This is you, it already happened”.

My broken relationships, my wishy- washy friendships, and family issues, it’s painful, but I am captivated as I read.

I documented everything about my first love, the man I lost my virginity to. The rawness of it makes my mind sour. But I understand it could never have been perfect. I was discovering what love was for the first time.

The tone of the entries are shifting.

And now I wait for the inevitable, full blown decimation of my heart being ripped open. I wait for the worms of humanity to darken my blood with their unyielding cruelty. My bated breath holds still for my metamorphosis.

I forgive myself for my foolishness. Yet I wonder who I would have become without these mistakes.

Some things don’t change.

Excerpt:

Seventeen Year Old Musings

I want to remain a private person. I don’t necessarily want my emotions, thoughts, fears, worries, to be written out plain and clear for anybody that I know. I feel more content with keeping all of that to myself. I don’t want to get to a point where I feel as though those I know in person, who are reading my journal, are silently ridiculing me for how I’m going about my life, or what direction I’m taking, and I begin to hide things in my journal.

My priorities, my ambitions, my dreams, my loves, my actions, I’m taking a different road now. I’m sick of feeling held back by depression. It’s never gotten me anywhere before, and it’s never going to get me anywhere. I need people to motivate me, get me to move forward, introduce me to new opportunities. I’m beginning to learn how to be patient with others and with life, everything takes time. I can’t allow anxiety to beat me up anymore.

I’m trying to figure out my faults, my strengths, just everything about me and it’s sad that it’s taken me this long to figure myself out, but now I feel as though I’m ready to know myself, truly know myself. I’ve just been afraid all this time, but now I don’t have anything or anybody holding me back. A lot of positive changes can come out of this road to self-discovery. I’ll probably be a much happier person and finally be able to connect with people a lot better. I just prefer to cut myself out of close friendships for awhile, because it’s not working out. I need to know why and the only way I can do that is by understanding me better. I’ve always worried about everyone else all the time, that I never really sat down to think about me, because if I had, I wouldn’t be having all of these self-revelations now.

 

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